Parenting Tips For Clutter

February 3, 2024

I help a lot of parents and kids get organized, but since I don’t have my own (human!) kids, I don’t feel qualified to give parenting advice. So, I sent the inquiry out to my fellow organizers to see what their tips are for parents who are struggling with their kid’s clutter. I especially wanted to address what to do when the kid “won’t let” the parent throw anything out. How does a parent strike a balance between leading the way (in a loving kind way) instead of being overwhelmed by clutter because their kid won’t let them throw anything out? In this post, I have collected the best parenting tips from over a dozen Professional Organizers from across the country. If you are a parent overwhelmed by your kid’s clutter, this post is a must read! Note- this is a LONG post, so feel free to bookmark it and come back to it later.

Deborah Debban of Embracing Order

I love this topic, it is my favorite … organizing and parenting. I am the mom of three adult sons (22, 20, 18) and I have a degree in Early Childhood Education. I started my organizing business a few years ago to help families that are struggling in this very area of life.

I think there is a huge cultural shift right now in parenting where parents are now deferring all decisions and power to their kids and it’s a huge detriment to everyone. Parents are not exercising their correct, right and loving authority over their kids and kids are simply not equipped (cognitively or emotionally) to make all the decisions for themselves that their parents are asking them to make so early on. (Think of all the commercials where kids are in the backseat (in a booster seat) telling their parents how to drive or when soccer practice is).

Kids need security and boundaries and sometimes they will act out because they don’t have the security that they are craving. They are actually looking for someone to tell them no, and mean it. Making all the decisions in their lives is simply too much for them and living in the ambiguity of no boundaries is actually very stressful for our kids. As odd as it sounds, healthy and appropriate boundaries equal love to our kids. We, as the adults in their lives, must provide the balance of both by allowing our kids to have some input but not the only and final say. Decision making needs to start slow with small, limited and inconsequential decisions and then transfer with age to those of greater importance and value.

Would you like milk or water? That’s a great decision for a young child to make. Where do you want to attend school? Not, as much. And, yes, I’ve had parents tell me that this is a question they’ve asked their young kids.

The other side of this is that parents do everything for their kids, and a learned helplessness is created, which isn’t great either. It doesn’t give our kids the confidence or the skills they need as they grow older and eventually move out.

In parenting, when teaching and modeling the skills you want them to learn and with age appropriate discussions and explanations, along with listening on the part of both for parents and kids a lot of real and meaningful progress can be made. And not with just clutter, but sometimes it starts there.

Our kids will hold onto stuff because it’s the feeling of control (security) they are looking for when they feel out of control. Recognizing the crazy cycle and learning how to break out of it, is often the cure for everyone.

In regards to the parents who have kids that “won’t let” their parents throw things away, in my opinion, this is probably stemming from an unhealthy balance of power, where the power belongs more to the kids than to the parents. The parents need to first work at re-balancing the parental power by creating healthy rules and boundaries in all areas of life, and then focus on the stuff and the clutter issues they are having. Young kids aren’t going out and buying things on their own, so parents need to STOP buying things for the kids until they can get some of the power balanced and the clutter under control. For older kids, maybe a pause on allowance so not as much able to come in. Just because you kid wants a toy each time they go to Target, doesn’t mean they need to get a toy each time they go to Target. 🙂

It all needs to start with the parents and then work down to the kids. And, it is okay to tell our kids “No” from time to time.

Parents are under an immense amount of pressure in raising their kids today. The reality is that a lot of parents are often overwhelmed and ill prepared with what they are facing each day in regards to their kids. We are trained as business majors, nurses, artists, and engineers in school … but much like personal finance skills, parenting skills aren’t really taught unless they’re sought. So, we tend to do what our parents did or the complete opposite as a kind of quiet defiance to how we were raised.

Often in parenting when that overwhelm sets in so does survival mode and parents find themselves doing whatever they can to just survive the day. Which means, giving in to tantrums instead of standing your ground. Letting your kids just eat dessert instead of the vegetables. Deciding to “pick your battles” but then not picking anything. The weariness of control battles can lead to wishing away each stage of parenthood, instead of really enjoying each one as they go by. Often saying things like, “Oh when my kids are [fill in the blank age] things will be better. Only to get there and they unknowingly do it again, Oh, when my kids can [fill in the blank task] things will be better.

What parents don’t fully realize because maybe it’s a little counterintuitive, is that when we give our kids some structure in the form of rules and boundaries, it actually creates more freedom and peace for everyone. The kids feel more secure and happy and that in turn actually creates less of a struggle for the parents. But, our kids will only be used to what they know, so in the process of this change, it could get worse before it gets better. I think it’s important for parents to know what to expect.

We parented our boys with a sort of a bullseye approach. You start in the center where some small rules, boundaries and choices are created and established with and for small children. When those are mastered, you move out a single (imaginary) ring, giving more freedom and more choice and so on and so forth as they grow. If, at some stage they step outside the boundary that you’ve set, you simply pull back in one stage and start again. Maybe even re-stating what is the rule you want them to follow. (For example, it looks like you got home at 12:30 but your curfew is midnight, for the next month you’ll need to be home at 11:30, so we are sure that you are home safely each night). Then once that is followed (the whole month), the boundary is then extended again. Maybe even saying something like, “Thank you for being responsible and coming home at 11:30, we can now trust that you will be home at midnight and your curfew can resume to that time.” When young kids have the whole target (access to anything and everything) before they are ready, stress ensues … because they just can’t handle it developmentally, so they act out in whatever way they know how or are allowed. But really, the behavior they are showing is just distress.

Anyway, that’s a little background on issues that could be happening with just the parenting side, so now onto some tips for organizing and parenting.

TIP #1

Organize when everyone is in a calm state of mind and make time and space for the task.

Just like in the heat of an argument with a partner or a spouse it’s never a good idea to declutter and organize when not in a calm state of mind. Never toss or throw out things that belong to your kids when you are angry or frustrated or behind their backs.

When emotions rise, it’s best to take a step back and take a break all together. Then come back again, and reassess what happened after everyone is calm again.

EXAMPLE TO TRY: Saying something like, “When we talked about throwing away [blank] you become really (sad, mad, angry), can you tell me more about what caused those feelings?” Then listen. See if your child can articulate what made them so emotional. Asking gentle questions if they need help expressing their feelings. Then, empathize with them, “Oh, I can see now that this is really special to you, where would you like to put it in [insert a room suggestion that you are happy with] so that it will not get broken / stepped on / or thrown away. Their answer to why they want to keep something may surprise you.

TIP #2

Make sure the chores and decisions that our kids are making are age appropriate.

As parents, it is our job to lead by example for our kids. And, yes, it can be exhausting, but it is absolutely necessary! If we tell them to do their dishes, but we leave ours on the table, on the island, or in the family room … the words we say won’t go very far because they will see that we aren’t doing what we say. If we tell them to do their dishes, while we are at the sink doing our dishes, they will internalize, Oh, doing the dishes is important to mom and dad, they are doing them now, this is how it works, I need to do my dishes, I will help.

Repetition and consistency are key here. Kids need to see it being done, learn how to do it, practice it with help, and then do it on their own. Then we (as parents) should check in and see how it’s going, give praise for what’s going well, maybe give some corrections on what needs a little extra help and then let the kids go back to doing anything that they have mastered. It’s now their skill, job and responsibility to do it.

For clutter, this means that we are keeping our spaces picked up as we are asking our kids to do it also. It could mean 5 minutes of family decluttering after dinner each night. Set a timer and everyone helps pick things up that have been taken out during the day. It could mean helping our kids pick up and reset their rooms for 5-10 minutes at night getting it ready for the next day. Or making sure they know they are supposed to put away all the toys before moving to a new activity like playing outside or starting an art project.

For laundry, that means that after the clothes are washed and dried, a preschooler can help put their socks and underwear in the drawers while a Kinder and first grader can learn to hang up a shirt. While they aren’t doing the whole laundry process they are getting a glimpse of the work it takes to put clothes where they belong. Slowly, they will be able to do this on their own. When they have some ownership in the process that helps with their buy in and participation. Let them decide which drawer to keep the socks in or which side of the closet they want their shirts.

Remember that backsliding happens to kids too, it’s normal. Don’t get mad, just gently correct.

EXAMPLE TO TRY:

For the laundry example, let’s say you have a second grader who has been taught how to hang up all their shirts but when you go into their room you notice that all the shirts are on the floor of the closet … simply bring in the kiddo and say (super calmly) “Oh, goodness, it looks like all your shirts are on the floor. Since I know that you know how to hang them up and this is part of your responsibility in keeping your room clean, there will be [insert consequence] no playing on the iPad until it’s finished. Remember this is how we put a shirt onto a hanger. Help them do 3-5 shirts, then say, “I know you can do it.” Then let them finish as you walk out of the room.

The most important part is that you follow through with whatever consequence you gave until the job is finished. When they come and tell you they have finished, give some praise. Yay, I knew you could do it? How does it feel to have all your shirts hung up? I bet you are so proud of yourself. I’m proud of you too! Give them a hug and a high five to celebrate a job well done.

TIP #3

Balance seasons of input like birthdays, Christmas, and growth spurts (changes in ages, clothing sizes, and interests) with regular seasons of output.

So often, because we live in bigger homes with bigger rooms and less kids that have more stuff, we are not balancing all that comes in enough with what is going out. Imagine for a minute, all the gifts that your child got for their first birthday, then their first Christmas (and woe, to the parents who had the first grandchild on both sides!!) Then imagine that input x16 years … then times each child, with no output. Overwhelmed? I would be! We simply cannot hang on to that much stuff. Balancing what comes in and what goes out is so important. As adults we need to help our kids who might not be able to understand that process quite yet.

It is necessary to go through things with our kids to see what they have outgrown or simply don’t use anymore. Things that are broken, missing pieces or long forgotten are okay to toss or donate. If the kids are really undecided about something, put it in a “maybe” box and see if they ask about it. If they don’t miss it or ask about it, it’s okay to toss after a short length of time.

EXAMPLE TO TRY:

A month before a birthday arrives, you can say something like, “Oh, you have a birthday coming up, I bet you’ve grown a lot since your last birthday. Let’s go see what clothes you have that still fits you and what doesn’t fit before your big day arrives.” This will signal several things to your kids; Yay, your birthday is coming … you are growing (yay again!) … everything you have might not fit anymore, it’s okay to let something go.

Even better, this will give you, as the parent, an idea for clothing gifts your child might need either from you or their grandparents, should they ask. Making sure you ask for just what they need and will wear. You could also ask grandparents for experience gifts (things like, tickets to the movies or a play, maybe a concert for older kids, or even a season pass to your local zoo or children’s museum) instead of toys and games. It would be great if you can do the experience with the grandparents when they come to visit next, it will be meaningful for everyone and won’t leave anything that needs to be picked up, washed or put away. (Yay for everyone!)

TIP #4

Give kids a box, basket, or place to keep their treasures. When it’s full … it’s full. For something else to go in, something will need to come out.

Our homes and garages are essentially containers; they only fit so much. When they are full they’re full. The same organizing rules and principles need to be applied to and for our kids’ spaces and their things. They can only keep and take care of so much.

If your young kids are in the birthday party phase where they get a gift bag full of dollar tree toys that you know will break and turn to clutter but your kids want to keep FOREVER. Set some limits and directions for that up front, so your kids will know what to expect.

The toys can only go into a specific basket or container. Then when it’s full they’ll have to decide what they really love and want to keep and what they want to toss. You can establish a rule about birthday treat bags, such as, you get to play with it for the rest of the day and then it gets tossed. You can keep it for a week, a month, until the next birthday party etc. Whatever works for your family.

Same goes for artwork. If you have a place where you hang their art, that is the container. Then, once the wall is full, they’ll need to decide what comes down if something new is going up. Same rule goes if you have a box for art. You can always take pictures of all the artwork as it goes out and keep a folder on your phone for each child with their work pictures so they can scroll through and look at all their creations at any time. Letting our kids practice with small decisions helps them to build the muscle needed when big decisions come.

EXAMPLE TO TRY:

In our house when our boys were growing up they each had their own basket that sat in a drawer in our kitchen where they could store their treasures. When they were younger it was full of birthday party toys, hot wheels, trinkets, tickets, and tokens. When it was full, I would pull it out and put it on the table and say, “Hey, bud, it looks like not much else is going to fit in your basket. Why don’t you come and see what’s in here?” They would get to relive all their treasures and happy birthday party memories, put the keepers up in their room, throw away stuff they were done with or had forgotten about, and they’d even put some of the stuff back in. But, they decided on all of it. All of it was inconsequential to me and it was an organizing skill that they were slowly building. They had to make space because it wouldn’t all fit in the basket. As they got older those same baskets held their car keys, their mail, their birthday cards, gift cards and all their other things that I didn’t want to keep on top of the counters. With no prompting from me, they’d come into the kitchen and notice that their basket was full. They’d pull it out, sort, toss and then put it back. Our oldest son who recently got married will come over with his wife and he’ll open the drawer and look in his basket for any lingering mail that may have arrived for him as he drops his keys in his basket, he knows right where to find them when it’s time for them to go. It makes me smile every time.

Here is the link to the little article I wrote for our NAPO Oregon blog too.

Katrine Burkitt of Sunnyside Organizing

Yes, yes, yes! I agree with Deborah Debban on this!! I have worked with children as a nanny and a teacher for 15 years leading up to my organizing career. Like Deborah said, when children are young, it needs to be up to the adults to make decisions, say “no,” and set clear, firm boundaries. This gives children the security that they need for healthy development.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we should clean out their room and throw away their favorite toys when they are at school! When I do kids rooms, it looks like this:

I start by purging all the toys that the parents no longer want in the house (broken, too big, missing pieces, not played with, not age appropriate anymore, etc). Then we are left with the toys the child may want to keep. When the kids get home, we explain that if they want new toys, we need to make room and give some of their toys away. I ask them to pick their favorites (their “best friends”), and then I donate the rest. Here, the child gets to maintain autonomy and have some control, but they are not the boss and they do not get the final say. There may be pushback (“Where is my xyz??!!”), but it’s up to the parents or caregivers to set limits in a kind and loving way. This may seem strict to some, but correct discipline helps children to become adults who can set boundaries with themselves and others (and it sets them up for success later in life when they have their own home to manage!).

Lucy Milligan Wahl of LMW Edits

I am also a professional organizer who is not a parent, and who often works with families and children of all ages.

I believe that, above a certain age (debatable, but I tend to think of kindergarten/first grade as the cut off), parents should not get rid of things without their children’s permission because it erodes trust. Plus, it removes an opportunity to teach and practice organizing skills!

It may be where I am located (San Francisco) and the types of families I serve (generally dual income professional couples), but all too often I see parents trying to do everything for their children, instead of taking the time to teach them the skills they need to be independent later in life. For example, I do a lot of work with teen girls (and LOVE IT!), and I have seen them make so much progress when they are empowered to make their own decisions about their own space – even when the parents have despaired of them ever having a clean room.

Annette Murray of Simply Organized Solutions

By the time my son was 3, I realized I needed to include him in the process of organizing his room, deciding what stays and what goes. He and his sister both liked to set up toys all around the house. I found small bins with handles on the lids that so they were easily able to take their items and play, then pick up and put them away. Even though they were part of the process and all decisions were made with them, they would ask if I threw things away, but I was always able to find their treasure.

Lisa Schultz of Within Reach Organizing

Parent of a 5 and 10 year old and I absolutely agree. I made the mistake with my 10 year old early on thinking he wouldn’t notice things being thrown away or donated… boy was I wrong. My 5 year old has now been involved in all donation processes and I try new tricks on her every time to see what works best.

Amelie Saint-Jacques of Amelie Organizes

I have two kids (10 and 6), and I actually do let them make decisions about what to keep and what to get rid of. I feel like it’s the respectful thing to do, because I would absolutely hate it if someone else got rid of my stuff behind my back!

That being said, I do set certain limits. For example, I will tidy up the common areas of the house and bring back their belongings to their room, because my husband and I agree that the living room is not the right place for x item of theirs. When their room gets cluttered, I point it out and offer to help them clean up. This gives them experience in organizing their belongings and decluttering once in a while, which is a good life skill to have! It is also helpful to set expectations, such as “Let’s make sure that this corner of the room is completely clear so that you have room to build Legos” or “Let’s declutter the top of your dresser so that you can find your things again.”

I do sometimes get a little frustrated that they are not ready to let go of the one thing I wanted to get rid of, but then again, they sometimes want to donate things that I wanted them to keep, so it goes both ways! I also notice that once you introduce the idea of getting rid of a specific thing, they might decide on their own to do just that but, say, six months later. There are times when my kids will now tell me they want to get rid of some things, and they know where the donation bin is, so they can easily get the ball rolling on their own.

I have 2 kids, and I definitely draw the line at common areas like the living room or garage. (I mean, I also try not to buy bulky toys that would take up that much room in the first place, but it still has to be addressed at some point.) I give them a reasonable amount of space for their things and make sure that they are okay with getting rid of others. “Now that you have a bicycle with training wheels, you don’t need your tricycle anymore, right?” or “Hey, those Legos don’t belong in the living room, they are in our way. Let’s put them back in your room. Oh, there’s no space for them? Alright, let me help you see what we can get rid of to make space.”

Liz Herried of Thankul Home Organizing

Parenting in general is so different these days than how our parents worked with us and how my generation dealt with our kids. In general, I think parents want to be ‘their kid’s friends’, and I totally agree with Michelle Obama on this one.

She says you have to let your kids experience discomfort at home, try new things, set limits, insist they do things themselves, or they grow up with the sense of entitlement and expect others to do things for them.

I realize there are ADHD challenges and physical limitations to consider sometimes, but I always try to use the techniques when working with families that encourage the kids to keep things up for themselves. It is their room, they have to live with it! One suggestion I give is that there are 3 rules.

No dirty dishes in your room.
Trash will be tossed and the room vacuumed once a week.
Bed sheets will be changed once a week.

I think kids need to be shown what to do. It is not innate to them. We have to show them what we expect for a tidy space (which is different for each family). Photos of a clean room (behind the door or on the bulletin board) are a great visual reminder of expectations, a list to check off daily helps too. We have to make time to show them, so it is clear what we expect, you can’t just say ‘go clean your room..”. They won’t know what that means and usually end up playing with their toys.

Rewards of extra screen time, special dessert, extra reading time, special time with a parent all work to encourage, but they need to get it done before they ask for the reward.

Set specific goals together and be clear and functional.

Expectations —– Work ——Reward

As far as kids wanting to keep every scrap of paper…I worked with a client whose son had ADHD. It was obvious that what he considered ‘special’ his mom considered trash. To him, everything had potential. It was really cute. We organized his desk area with a drawer for his “creations” and the hope that he could review these once in a while, and toss them once they were not so ‘special’. He liked that he had a spot to store these creations so they didn’t frustrate his mom.

During the review of his room, I had to ask him, “What do you enjoy about this toy?” and his mom “What frustrates you about this toy?” It usually involved lots of parts. Discussions about when and where to play with these kinds of toys is an ongoing process. For most children, it is just being creative and parents see it as being messy. If they know they have all week to play, but we will be putting it away on Sunday, that might set the limit.

A limit of the space for something…

A limit of the time something is out and played with..

That being said, I find most creative play for children is how they learn. I think we have to remind parents that any toy/game/art project is better than screen time. Being outside is even better! Someone once told me that I “can clean the house when they go to college” ha ha. It is actually true. My kids never played with their toys the way the manufacturer expected. They mixed stuff up and mixed sets together. Their rooms were always messy, until we had clean up day. We joke about it now, but the messy play encouraged creativity and that still shows up now as they are adults!

For the “little parts”, McDonalds toys and birthday party ‘trinkets’ that seem to hang around, I would suggest putting in a box and tucking it away if it is frustrating the parents. If the kids don’t ask for it again, then it is probably okay to toss.

I have also heard that asking for a review of toys to ‘share with other kids’ (donate) ahead of a birthday or Christmas is a good way to make them pick their favorite toys and games. In general, most American children are given too many toys, because the parents have not set the limits for the space. (UUGG) It is always a good conversation starter.

Janelle Azar of A Meaningful Space

Last year I created an entire online course about Simplifying & Organizing with Kids specifically for parents to help them teach and work with their kids with decluttering and organization.

In full transparency, I am not a parent, but I have specialized in organizing with kids over the last 2 years (the reason I created the course).

My most successful strategy for helping parents declutter with their kids starts with communication and explaining the “why of decluttering” before they just start tossing and making decisions.

My top 3 talking points are listed below:

Consequences of when you have too many things.
Having a place for the things that you own will allow you to… have freedom, space to play, etc.
How they can help other kids and parents by donating their things.

Additionally, here are my top 3 tips to help parents when their kids are sentimental:

Help your kids recognize that we enjoy things for a season or a time and then once we aren’t using it or enjoying it anymore let’s pass it on to someone else who can enjoy or use it.
Make your kids financially responsible for purchasing toys or items that they consider must-haves.
Use a reward system for donating. This can work well especially when your child gets to choose the reward.”

Lastly, here are my top 3 tips to help parents create boundaries/limits which helps them to let go and declutter and communicate the expectation for their space and their child’s space.

Trash the Trash: Eliminate items that aren’t in good condition. Broken, stained, ripped, or missing piece items are a non-negotiable.
Ditch the Freebies: Have a time limit on prizes from school and birthday parties and any other “freebie” type items that make their way to your doorstep. These items are often cheap, easily broken, and don’t have staying power.
Try Toy Vacation: Take toys out of sight and into storage for a few weeks or months at a time. This strategy can help when you on the fence or unsure if your child will miss an item.

In lieu of one of my kid-related organizing blog posts to link to, I have 2 free downloads available for parents.

Simplifying & Organizing with Kids: Tips for Getting Started

Time Management for Kids: Creating Routines & Responsibilites

One of the initial questions I discuss with parents is, “What space(s) in your home will the majority of toys live?” Then we discuss why one of the main reasons we can’t control our things is because they don’t have a proper home or because they have too many homes. My rule of thumb is to settle on no more than 2 spaces for the majority of toys in your home. Determine where this space or spaces will be and then use them as a boundary and a limit for how many toys/things can be allowed in the home.

For parents who have a hard time parting with toys until they have all of the missing pieces, I have 2 suggestions to help.

It comes down to how much inventory you want to manage in your home. Waiting for missing pieces to show up is another item on the to-do list and it’s probably a very low priority. If it is greatly important to donate these missing piece items intact, I would date the item and put a time limit on how long to look for the missing parts and pieces. Sometimes I will create a very small “missing parts & pieces” bin by the toys or games so that as these items are found they can be collected and put back where they belong.
Donate toys with missing parts and pieces to local art class studios or schools. There are also toy companies that have recycling programs like Hasbro, Mattel, and LEGO to name a few. Check with your local recycling programs as well.

Lisa Deily of Creative Clutter Solutions

Kids start to develop habits by age 3. Involving little kids in decluttering their playroom or bedroom teaches them how to make decisions about what is important to them. Playing a game like Friends, Strangers or Acquaintances can help them sort through their toys by examining their relationship with their belongings. Older kids need to feel ownership over their space. I find it helps to speak to them about how they want their space (ie. bedroom or study area) to function, similar to our discussions with adult clients. Parents should be prepared to accept their child’s vision (within safety & cost limits) and then hold their child to maintaining their space in support of that vision.

Kristi Santilli of Organized by Kristi

I am a parent of a 12 year old boy. I treat him like a client when we declutter his space. Here are some tips!

Let them make the decisions about what to keep, toss or donate. This gives them some autonomy. You may be surprised with what they’re willing to get rid of.
Involve them in designing the space. Allow your child to have a say in how their space is organized. When they feel a sense of ownership, they are more likely to take responsibility for keeping it neat.
Defining space defines parameters on what they’ll be able to keep. If they realize that they only have one bin (or one basket) for certain things, then they will need to be more selective about what items they keep.
Take 10-15 minutes every night before bed to reset your house. Have the kiddos help put back anything that isn’t in its ‘home’. Have them fold and put away the blankets that are strewn about the living room; or put the dirty glasses that they’ve accumulated throughout the day, in the sink or dishwasher. Getting them involved in maintaining your home teaches them responsibility and what it takes to keep things tidy and organized. A good life skill!
Set time to regularly declutter. Organizing is not a one and done task! Kids need to regularly declutter their space to avoid an accumulation of stuff. It’s best to declutter before gift giving occasions such as birthdays; as well as at the end of each season.
Keep an empty box in their closet so that they can toss anything that they no longer want, or that doesn’t fit. Once the box is full, donate those items.

Mara Bangura of Green Earth Organizing

These tips are based on my experience working with EC children in the classroom as well as at home with my own 10 year old daughter who would rather be doing anything else, but decluttering/organizing 🙂 . I was an early childhood educator for 20 years before becoming an organizer. I primarily worked with kids in PS through 2nd grade.

5 Steps to working with your child to declutter:

Break a big task into several small ones: On the rare chance that your child is able to endure a 3 hour decluttering session, it is likely developmentally appropriate to break a big task like decluttering a bedroom into 2-4 smaller tasks over the course of several decluttering sessions. Help your child get started with the process by choosing something easy to declutter, like clothing. Leave decluttering their favorite toys, like Legos, Matchbox cars or dolls for later sessions once they have gotten the hang of the process.
Hurdle Help: Work alongside your child to model the process of discarding. For example, ask your child to think of the following questions when trying to decide to discard or keep clothing: Does it fit? When was the last time you wore it? Is it comfortable? Do you still like the style?
Ownership and buy-in: Let your child decide what is getting donated vs. kept. It is important for your child to have control over this process. It is likely your child will want to do this task again if they are the one making the choices about their possessions in a healthy way.
Processing Emotions: Talk through any emotions that are keeping your child from letting go of something that isn’t used anymore, but remember it is still their choice. This is the perfect opportunity to teach your child that objects don’t dictate their love for a person or a fun experience in their life. When my daughter gave away a shirt her deceased grandmother gave her, she voiced that she felt guilty because Grandma gave it to her. We talked about the emotions that came with that and discussed that it didn’t mean she loved her grandmother any less if she gave the shirt away.
Donating: Have your child complete the process of decluttering by going with you to donate their items. Knowing how the environment (textile recycling bins) or nonprofits benefit from their donations can be powerful information for your child and make their once loved items easier to part with as well as build empathy.

Christina Keen of Custom Home Organizing

Establish House Rules that provide a regular rhythm of items coming and going that will carry throughout their childhood. By the time they leave you they will understand that items come and they go and it’s just a natural part of life.
Create an understanding that they are in charge and will do what is healthy for the home overall, but they will work with the unique person God has given them in their child by accommodating their pacing, fears, etc…

Set up a stationary bin or box in a permanent area of the house that the whole family knows is for donations. When they no longer want something that’s where it goes. Let the kids see you take the items to be donated. Let them see you purge your own items.
Set up a regular purging session for the whole family every quarter or twice a year. Make it a tradition and include some fun snacks or physical reward maybe – trip to the park or beach.
Set up boundaries for how new items are purchased. If it’s a child’s favorite collectable I find that a visual like a container is helpful to indicate when it’s too many and time to donate. For example – your cars go in this bin, when it gets full we have to stop buying cars or we have to let some go. Other boundaries may be new toys are only purchased at special occasions. * I advise parents to avoid the trap of buying something new at every outing – this is a very dangerous habit for a child to build.
Do not do a dramatic major sweep while they are away – especially if you have a child who is emotionally attached to their things more than the average child. Do it with them and if it’s tough do it weekly in very small ways. This is harder on the parent, but builds trust rather than breaks trust.
Do be the final decision-maker.
Praise and encourage when they let go. Point to the benefits of letting go: helping other children, more room for new items, more room to play.

Kristin McElroy of Righty Tidy

I enjoy working with kids to help them declutter and organize. My 4 year old daughter is helpful every night putting away her own toys, and being okay getting rid of things she is no longer using. She is involved when we go through her toys. I recently had a client who let me know her parents throwing out her stuff without checking with her is why she has such a hard time getting rid of anything. I think the problem most parents run into is the agenda they bring into the room. They see a horrible mess and want it to all go. So when the kid says they want to keep things they fight them on it. I have found if you give the child a few wins they are more willing to get rid of things as they go. And I have seen it with the kids I have worked with, they are so good at letting things go! An example is an 8 year old girl I was working with who was getting rid of sooo many toys (probably better than most adults I work with), and her mom came in and started telling her “you don’t play with this, it needs to go”. So she started pushing back more. I explained to the mom that we go through once and see what is left then figure out if it’s still too much. Sometimes the child isn’t playing with it anymore because they can’t find it. Once it’s organized they can see everything they have and play with it. Another thing I do with kids is encourage and praise them when they do decide to donate. When my daughter lets something go, I give her a high five, and let her know how happy she is making the next child that will play with that toy, and how proud of her I am. It makes her more willing to continue doing it because she knows she is not being made to get rid of stuff, but that she can make the decision herself. Below is the 8 year olds room before and after.

Jenny Morin of Efficient Spaces

I have a section in my organizing book Get Organized Quick that talks about organizing kids toys with their Mom. I talk about having a “fashion show” with the kids to decide which clothes to keep, etc. it makes it really fun, which is the key with kids.

Dangling a reward like going to DQ for a Blizzard with Mom is a powerful motivator!

I have a related blog post on getting kids to help around the house. As my friend Michelle put it: “your house is like a well-oiled machine!” Read the blog post here: How To Train Your Kids To Work. Yes, Really! Another one I wrote is Easy Switch to Fall Clothes For Kids’ Rooms

Ellen Faye of Ellen Faye

Report from the “Live Laboratory”

The Experiment: When my kids were little, I began teaching them organizing skills. I had two big drawers in a file cabinet off the kitchen. One was for Alex’s school work, and the other for Max’s school work. Each day we’d empty their backpacks and put most everything into their drawers. It was easier than having them part with things when they were so “current.” At the end of every school year, we had a schoolwork processing ritual, with fun rewards upon completion. I’d work with each kid separately, so they felt that it was a special event. First, we’d sort their papers by type, then they could more easily decide what to keep and what to part with. When they saw 150 math worksheets in a pile, they were easily able to let go of almost all of them. I’d pull aside special writing projects or art projects to help them execute and not get overwhelmed. At the end of each session, they’d be left with a small tidy bin of mementoes from that year. When they were really little, I helped a lot more than as they grew up.

The Outcome:

When we sold our house 5 years ago (ages 22 and 25) they didn’t really care about much of this. They told me to keep whatever they thought I should keep. I basically culled 15 bins (Pre-K through 12^th grade) into one. They still haven’t looked at their bin or asked about it.
As for how they turned out? (They both live in tiny apartments in NYC and don’t have a lot of room.)
- Alex, the older one, is clutter blind. He knows how to “sort and purge”, but he just never thinks to do it. I promise you, he’s an amazing human being and has plenty of other strengths!
- Max, the younger one, organizes as part of his routine. He doesn’t let it get out of hand and stays on top of everything.

Conclusion:While I’m glad I empowered them with knowledge, nothing guarantees a specific outcome. And I have two amazing, wonderful young men regardless.

Kimberly Corey of Finely Sorted

I have also had adults relate how they returned home from boarding school once to find their parent had cleaned out their entire room damaging that sense of security.

When decluttering with young children I resort to the anthropomorphizing technique appealing to the lively and expansive space imagination takes in their minds.

I ask them to play a game with me to try to separate the toys into those that would be “best friends”, those that would be “acquaintances”, and those that would be “strangers”. (This game was created by Judith Kolberg, author of Conquering Chronic Disorganization). We talk about how we wouldn’t want strangers living in our homes and that maybe these strangers need to be loved just as the best friends and that only by offering them to the outside world through donation could these toys find their best destiny.

In this way the child is relating to each item with their emotion rather than through adult logic of administrating inanimate objects (which we must do to manage the myriad of important tasks of course as we get older).

I also encourage whomever is in charge of organizing and paying for the common spaces to have authority over their appearance and function leaving each dependent (or partner) family member a private space that s/he/they has/have dominion over to preserve their sense of safety within limits of course considering cleanliness.

Also, a friend of mine shared this article from Jan. 1 in The Naples Daily News by J. Rosemond

Lauren Mang of Let Me Organize It and Get Littles Organized

As part of Get Littles Organized, we have a Calm Your Chaos Course that helps parents to build their A-Team, empower their littles, learn skills right alongside them, structure their home, and learn basic organizing skills. We also run fun challenges and tips on our Instagram account (we’re trying to get into TikTok), and in our Circle Community.

Emily Beaversen of So Simple Organization

I started organizing before having kids, so I have the perspective of working with parents as a non-parent, and also as the parent of 2 little ones.

1) Consider the parents first – are they good at organizing themselves? Are they good at not hanging onto clothes that are never going to fit again, regularly purging/tidying, not hanging onto broken parts and pieces, etc? If the parents are struggling themselves, there’s a good chance they have not been able to pass on the skills needed to organize to kids. Also, kids pick up really quick on what parents actually do (vs. what they say to do.) I always gently suggest to the parent that we focus on them first before worrying about the kids.

2) As a parent, it’s really easy to forget that your kids are not small adults who can do everything you can (particularly with younger kids). And as an organizer, I see a lot of parents who expect younger kids to follow organizing systems that may be too complex for them (or even an older kid or adult!) It may take some resetting of expectations of what kids can actually do (for younger kids, following multi-part instructions, understanding nuances in category separation, etc., is really hard.) This might be a good place for an organizer to help with creating simpler systems that may be more appropriate for younger kids.

3) Manage the flow of incoming stuff. This is so key! I feel like this is not stressed enough with kids, or with any of our clients, for that matter. It can be challenging with kids, particularly if there are relatives who love to gift, but I think it is much more effective to limit what comes into the house (where possible) than to have a battle about what needs to go out.

Kiera Malowitz of Decluttered

I am a mom to 3 kids, ages 9, 9 (twins!) and 13. I started on my decluttering and organizing journey when I just had one child (before I was a professional organizer) and no one had ever taught me the skills of ‘letting go’ (my father was a hoarder). I took classes and read books too and I speak from the perspective of many parents that come to us for help.

Emily took the words right out of my mouth – I go by the rule and share consistently with parents “if you are overwhelmed by all the toys and stuff your kids have, then your kids are even more overwhelmed. They just show it in different ways.” That really gets parents thinking about this. And I think parents that come to us for organizing help have a hard time teaching their kids skills that they themselves are struggling with. I do think there is an age that they can handle making the decisions. I typically think this is around age 8 or 9, depending on the emotional maturity of the kids and parents will know best. Yes, some kids can start younger but to me, it’s a lot to put on them so it’s that fine balance of knowing how many decisions they can make versus what they can handle, knowing that kids are not going to say “I’m so overwhelmed by this room” and instead may just stop playing with everything because there is too much or show it in other ways like behavior.

Based on my experience, I have found parents really do struggle in letting go of toys etc. for various reasons so the key is to figure out the reason, which may be different by item or category, then work through that. If they have the space and really struggle, I typically start with a toy rotation system so that they can see if their kids really miss the items that are out of rotation. It’s much easier to pair down from there if they know for a fact that the child has never brought it up. Also, these tendencies can be passed down. I see it frequently, but I recall my first real encounter was with a 9 year old that kept all her birthday and holiday cards she received and they were taking up valuable real estate in her room. I had worked with her mom previously and this is something she struggled with letting go of, and had no idea her daughter now kept everything “because mom does.” Many times, parents want to help their kids, but they need the tools first.